Anxiety: We all deal with it to varying degrees. And when you’re a kid, anxiety is heightened by the fact that you’re not even aware of the emotions flooding through your mind and body. Anxiety can happen any time, but some common culprits include new environments and people, a change of plans, a disruption of routine or a separation from the familiar.
And when you’re the parents of kids who feel anxious about these new experiences, it can be pretty tough to remain supportive and calm while trying to understand where your kid is coming from.
What can parents to do to help? How do we deal with anxiety in young children?
#1: Don’t avoid the experiences that triggered anxiety.
Let’s say you put your toddler on the slide for the very first time. You expected her to feel thrilled and exhilarated—instead she’s terrified of the slide. And after her meltdown, it’s tempting to vow never to place her in another slide ever again. Why bother, when she’ll just freak out every time?
But don’t avoid the experiences that triggered your child’s fears and anxieties. In doing so, you’re letting her fear ‘win’ and teaching her to deal with her anxieties by avoiding the situations that might trigger it. Avoiding the experiences reinforces the anxiety rather than helping your child find a better way to face or manage them.
I wouldn’t suggest putting her on a slide every day until she “gets over it,” but try a few weeks later and see how she handles it then. And similarly, enrolling your child in extracurricular activities that she’s consistently terrified of might not be a good idea.
#2: Give your child a heads up.
Set expectations so your kids are more prepared for what’s coming up so not everything is brand new.
For instance, if your child is going to an event he has never attended, let them know who will be there, what the activities are, and when you can expect to leave. Or if your child is about to start a new summer camp or art classes, describe what she might expect to see and do.
Having expectations feels reassuring to kids because things won’t come as too much of a surprise.
#3: Have your child practice coping methods.
How do you teach your child to face his anxieties? Help him practice coping methods. For instance, let’s say you’re hosting a big family party. Your child will face people he normally doesn’t see, and some of them can even be overwhelming. Tell your child, “You can always go to your room when it feels like there are too many people out here, okay?”
Similarly, be mindful of your child’s signals. When you see him not enjoying himself, lead him to his room so he can catch a break.
You don’t want to downplay their fears (“There’s nothing to be scared about,”) but highlight the different ways they can manage. In doing so, you’re helping them build confidence in their ability to cope. You can even offer your child a comfort item, like a favorite stuffed animal or something of yours he can hang on to.
#4: Reassure your kids and follow through consistently.
Another common scenario is separation anxiety in children. For instance, your kid is starting preschooland the transition isn’t easy on anyone. Reassure her that you’ll pick her up right after school. Follow through consistently, and for the first several weeks, stick to a regular routine so she feels reassured that you’ll always pick her up.
At social gatherings, stay nearby. Wandering off to chat with your cousins—however much you’d rather do that—isn’t going to help your child’s anxieties. Especially in the beginning, keep your kids close by until they have warmed up enough to their new environment.
#5: Don’t instill unnecessary fear or anxiety.
Are you scared of spiders? Watch your reaction when you see one in front of your kids. Shrieking frantically sends the message that spiders are terrible.
Or let’s say you’re outside with your kid and a person walking their dog is approaching. Assuming the dog is properly leashed and controlled, there’s little need to shield your kid from every dog that comes her way. Instead, say, “Look at the cute dog!” and phrase it positively.
Even if you do feel like a dog is too feisty or the owner isn’t a “pack leader” (Hello, Cesar Milan), calmly pick up your kid or step in front of them while remaining friendly to the dog and dog owner. An overreaction teaches your child to feel scared instead of discerning, curious or brave.
#6: Acknowledge and relate to their anxieties.
Here’s where empathy plays a huge role in managing anxiety. Rather than brush aside their fears, acknowledge the emotion and what may have caused it. Tell a story of how you’ve felt the same way and how you managed.
Connecting with our kids by relaying our own feelings and how we overcame them feels reassuring. They know we’re on their side and we’re here to help, not reprimand or belittle.
#7: Advocate and stand up for your child.
Step in when you see family and friends overwhelming your child. Perhaps an uncle is playing too rough, or your friends are clamoring to talk to him or give him a hug. It’s fine to establish space between your child and others, especially in the beginning, to acclimate your child to this new environment.
And don’t force your kids to hug everyone. Tough, I know, especially with social norms and traditions, but it violates his personal space and can make him more anxious.
#8: Praise your child for handling their anxieties.
Your child needs to hear how even the smallest progress is something to be proud of. Whether he handled a swimming class with ease or remembered to color with crayons when things got overwhelming, praising your child for the little things he does to manage anxiety will encourage that behavior.
#9: Don’t get frustrated when your child doesn’t meet your expectations.
It can be frustrating when it seems like your kid is the only one who doesn’t do X, Y and Z. Or why he’s afraid of this and that when other kids you know can’t stop talking about it. Every kid is different, and even those who seem to brave everything have quirks and fears as well.
Instead, encourage your child to talk about what makes him anxious. Accept him for who he is, but have hope that he can grow the coping skills necessary to overcome his anxieties.
Be realistic about your own expectations—of your child’s temperament, of shopping at the mall for five hours with crowds of people, of hoping for a much better reaction when you introduced her to your relatives.
And most importantly, never withhold your love or attention as a form of erasing your child’s anxiety. Children don’t need much in this world, but your love is absolutely one of them. Withholding your love is not an effective way of teaching him not to be afraid, but rather does the opposite: it lets the anxiety win when it’s powerful enough to make mom and dad upset. (Sources from http://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com)